totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
