I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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