I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
