Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
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