I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
