Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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