HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
