I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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