I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
