I just pynch a tree in the face
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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