so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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