Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
