Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We have started to decorate penises.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
