It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
