I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
