what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
