I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
