how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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