He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
