I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
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Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
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My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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