the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
