im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
