I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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