My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
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