I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
