There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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