My friends, they love my intelligence
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
