i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
