My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
