people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize