A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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