I wish I could punch you in the face.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
