did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
