I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
