In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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