So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
