they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
