last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize