There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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