Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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