Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
