im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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