how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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