doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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