Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
