I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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