yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
