I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Houston, we have a blender
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
