we made out on top of his cat.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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