i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
