Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
