Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
