Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
