why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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