dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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