we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
