So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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