Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
